ATTENTIVE BODY LANGUAGE
Elangovan, October 22, 2018
Image by Sasin Tipchai from Pixabay
When you engage with another person, signals are sent by your body to the other person as an indication of how interested you are. True or real interest is best indicated by attentive body language, and so it stands to reason that this is an important form of body language to master.
Attention is more than just looking at the other person in the eye, however. It is more than just being heard yourself, or merely hearing what the other person is saying. It is about leaving them feeling like you really paid attention.
Just what is attention, then?
Intro to Attention
As a daft definition, attention can be said to be any of the following:
- To take note of something or someone
- To regard something or someone as interesting or important
- To deal with or to take special care of someone or something
According to cognitive psychologists, it is a reference to our active processing of specific information in and around our environment. Many things around us, sights, sensations, sounds, constantly vie for our attention. But, our attentional resources are not without limit.
William James, psychologist and philosopher best described attention, then, when he said, “it is the mind, taking in a clear and vivid form, possession of one out of several simultaneously possible trains of thought or objects…”
With this in mind, there are three important things, therefore, that we need to note about attention:
- It is limited
- It forms a basic part of the cognitive system, and
- It is selective
Knowing this, now, surely we can manage our attentive behavior? Well, there is true attentive behavior, and fake attentive behavior, and before we can manage either, it is important for us to know what these are!
True Attentive Behavior
Image by Ian Ingalula from Pixabay
Surely we all know when someone is really listening to us? When someone is genuinely paying attention to us, and to what we are saying, they:
- Ignore distractions, from other people interrupting to phone calls
- Are still, showing that they have forgotten everything else and are focused on you
- Lean forward, often tilting their head slightly forward, showing genuine curiosity and interest like the don’t want to miss a thing
- Gaze at you, often blinking less, usually with a furrowed brow which is an indication of concentration, again like they don’t want to miss a thing
A truly attentive person will also want more, showing this by some of the following behaviors:
- They do not interrupt, patiently listening until the other person has finished speaking
- They exhibit open body language, and refrain from folding their arms or clasping their hands tightly, for example
- They nod slowly, showing agreement, and encouraging the other person to continue speaking
- They use little noises that show interest, understanding and a desire to hear more
- They reflect, either by matching body language or paraphrasing with the other person has said, to show alignment
If these, then, are elements of true attentive behavior, what are its opposite?
Fake Attentive Behavior
There is an epidemic of fake attention, today. This is because everybody seems to have their own pressing concerns, and chances are, you and what you have to say don’t rank very high up on this hierarchy.
There are tell-tale signs that a person isn’t being true in the attention they are giving you, though, and it helps to know these:
- Their head is very still, and their eye contact is too fixed. This might seem to be in direct contradiction with the stillness and the gazing forward at you described in the previous section, but it really isn’t. Real conversation is filled with hand-offs and anticipatory nods, a sort of ping pong match if you will. It is relaxed and almost synchronized. When someone is exhibiting fake attentive behavior, it feels very different!
- They restlessly tap their fingers
- Their feet are pointed towards the door
- They are turned away from you
- They never seem to come to any rest during the conversation, in constant motion
This disconnect was given a strange validity in the Malcolm Gladwell bestseller, Blink, in which deep-seated expert judgment was, by the Gladwell, conflated with uninformed gut reaction. This became our bestselling reason not to connect.
Gladwell was, of course, wrong. The following examples show you just how wrong!
Short Examples
When someone is bereaved, and you really have no connection with the grief other than the fact that you know the person who has lost a loved one, it is so easy for us to pass around hugs and condolences. We forget that the person might need to talk, and you might just be the only one available for them to talk to.
So, while you gut might tell you to hug and run, because, for example, you have convinced yourself that you cannot handle tears, just try to exhibit some of the guidelines under true attentive behavior.
You will soon see the importance of judging every situation on merit!
Alternatively, when someone comes to you with some gossip, by all means display fake attentive behavior. Exaggerate it if you have to, in order to get the point across that you will not entertain this type of engagement. There is truth in the saying, ‘you might listen to what they say about others to you, but you will not present to hear what they say about you to others!’
Conclusion
Attentive behavior, when it is true, has many non-verbal indicators, therefore. In and of themselves, these are very engaging, and really give you the feeling that you are being paid attention to.
On the other hand, when attentive behavior is fake, these non-verbal cues are also dead giveaways. You see as well as feel like you are simply being an irritation or nuisance to the person you are speaking to.
Be aware of both. Also, guard and check yourself constantly to ensure that you are not guilty of fake attentive behavior, or of giving true attentive behavior where it is not warranted.
Both these situations can be extremely dangerous!
References
Kendra Cherry, How Psychologists Define Attention, (July 02, 2017)
Nick Morgan, How To Spot Fake Listening, (Sep 19, 2011)
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